Posing in Anger

I see anger as the most destructive force in long-term romantic relationships, mostly clinging to this view because my parents (especially my mother) only know how to express discontent. Surprisingly, despite the lack of word-based affection, they still hold hands while walking TV (sometimes), and still occasionally kiss each other.

I have a personal rule, which is more like a guideline that doesn't hold up well when it's supposed to be at its strongest, to never say anything in anger. Obviously, for those of you who read, you know that I lost my temper with my Grandma, and told her plainly, "Fuck you" because she wouldn't stop making up nonsense about how she would remember better if she paid attention, but she doesn't care enough to pay attention so she forgets--and on and on.

So, expressing anger towards Morpheus is a delicate aspect of the "arraignment" (as I defined it, he even went as far to say that we were "boyfriend and girlfriend," a determination that I don't agree with). I have spouted harsh words towards him, but as far as I can remember, I've never made any kind of personal attack, i.e., you're the world's biggest asshole (but, as may be predicted, I have had that thought over the past couple of days).

As we know from studying psychology, anger has its uses, primarily for self-protection. If we never got mad, then we would never stop people from using us, from being mean to us, taking advantage of us, and on and on. So, identifying anger in a relationship is a good start, but what to do about it?

Unfortunately, at least in me, and honestly, look, people--in you too--I have this desire to take revenge when I've been hurt by someone else. To even up the score, which is seductive. From that viewpoint, me blocking Morpheus looks like retaliation for him sending my calls straight to voicemail (a feature I haven't been able to figure out on my Galaxy S7 Edge). And maybe, that's at least partially true.

The main driving motivation is self-protection. How can I stop myself from being emotionally injured? If we really looked at the relationship as a whole, over almost ten years (will be ten in August), there was a lot of bad, and just hours inbetween of bliss. Is that really enough? The Morpheus I hold onto in my head is much more alive than the real, physical man walking around, paying his taxes, taking care of his kids, and then screwing blonde twenty-somethings. And, of course, who is this Morpheus? I read an article about the three key ideas to keep in mind when striving for a successful, long-term, romantic relationship. One of those features is "positive illusion," that you think your partner is really better, sexier, smarter, kinder, etc, than he/she truly is. This is a good thing. This keeps marriages alive.

I don't know if its healthy to be married to someone who drives you to the lowest depths of despair, and then moments later, days later, lifts you up to the height of ecstasy.