"If I Could Find Assurance/To Leave You Behind/I Know My Better Half Would Fade"

--Shinedown, "I'll Follow You"

"My mother wasn't always a monster, there were some good points too," my mother tells me one day.

Sometimes Grandma will walk into my bedroom while I'm studying or watching TV, and she will say, "I love you. Give me a hug." Most of the time, she's pleasant to me, but she's still high maintenance. She can't find things, she can't remember the date or what day she's supposed to go to the doctor, she constantly complains about her aches and her allergies, even though if she took a few pills for them, her life would be a lot better. She says over and over again that she wants to go home, even though I promised to take her back on either Friday or Saturday, depending on how quickly I can get my paper for COMM 215 written. She refuses to cook for herself, and when she does the dishes, she handwashes them all, stacks them next to the coffee pot, instead of just loading them in the dishwasher, which would be a lot easier for her. Sometimes, in her confusion, she will take her pills out of her purse, and spread them out over the couch, and read each label, as if for the first time. I had to remind her of the dogs when she left out pills sitting on the sofa. I didn't want one of the dogs getting into her medication, and dying of toxicity. She asks the same questions, over and over again, no matter how you answered the first or fifth time. She continually offers me soda, even though I told her all my life that I don't like Pepsi, much less diet.

During Grandma's last doctor's appointment, I asked her GP, "I'm thinking about having her conserved. What do you think of that?"

The GP presses her lips together, "That's a tough decision, but she did managed to dress herself this morning."

The problem with having her conserved is the fact that I couldn't be her conservator. I spend too much time in a hospital every year. Who will make medical decisions for Grandma while I'm at Stanford University Hospital? I can't take on that much responsibility when I'm dealing with my own illnesses. That burden would have to fall on my uncle or my mother.